pearls of wisdom..

[philoldsmobile]

stolen from another site..

1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft
and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the
Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him
down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.'
'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese There are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or
my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think
it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The other
one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as
digging continues into the night.

[Incursus]

23, 13 & 6    

[philoldsmobile]

1 & 9

[Jamieg285]

Some classic Tommy Cooper's in there

[Roadkill]

Quoting: philoldsmobile

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Quoting: philoldsmobile

'No, because he's really heavy.'

23 was good, but I've heard it before.